Tethered and Unhinged: The Pet High Chair

Quick...who wants to chuck $50 down a rat hole?? Look no further, friends -- thanks to my friend, Linda, I now give you the Pet High Chair. The fine folks at Hammacher Schlemmer assure us that this chair, "assuages a pet (and its owner's) frustration, and promotes more refined behavior." Hold on a minute because this bears repeating... "promotes more refined behavior." I think Hamshabamma (or whatever their name is) needs to come to my house at dinnertime and attempt to wrangle one of my cats into this device. Yes...this little slice of ingenuity is for dogs and cats. Can you even imagine asking your cat to sit still and act refined? At the dinner table? While you are trying to eat your spaghetti and whatnot? Pshaw!

Plus, look at that dog's face. He's obviously just a titch unhinged (undoubtedly like his owner). He's not acting refined...he's got his wild eye on your steak! Habashmimberrr also wants us to know that, "two tethers on the chair protect your dinner guests against any lapses in etiquette." Seriously? Those two tethers are supposed to prevents lapses in etiquette? Does it prevent the drizzly dog drool, the crazy cat claws, and the howly-meowy mishmash? Those are some pretty amazing tethers. Does it work for teenagers? I'll take 50.

And don't forget that it, "folds for convenient storage and travel." And why not? Who doesn't want Binky to have a spot at the grown-up table at Aunt Matilda's house this Thanksgiving? Your new boyfriend is cooking dinner for you at his place? Bring Muffin along! Nothing says, "I'll die a spinster" like showing up for a date with pet high chair and an unhinged-looking dog in tow.

Still considering the Pet High Chair? Fine. You better order extra tethers for your own crazy self.

Cat Food

Feeling a little hungry? Just can't find that tasty treat that hits the sublime spot? How about some Cat Food?

Remember...with Holiday Ham Cat, there will always be leftovers.



















Watching your salt intake? Forget the ham and enjoy a satisfying piece of Lasagna Cat.



















Don't forget the fruit!
























And after dinner, we'll mix up some delicious desserts!

























Now, who's ready for seconds?


None of my cats were harmed in the taking of these photos. Saffy, especially, will plop into any open receptacle -- no matter the size. Treats help.

Dear Mama, The Home Makeover Edition

Dear Mama,
We understand that there is some renovation work happening in the house and everything feels chaotic; however, we would like to make a few suggestions that would make our lives just a little more tolerable.

• Can you please make the "magic box" containing treats more accessible...somewhere whisker-level, perhaps?
• Phoebe wants full-access to the catnip stash. Strictly medicinal purposes...
• Saffy said she is stressed out by the workers in the house and needs an extra serving of food (or three) to cope.
• How about doing a few extra loads of laundry, drying them on the high-setting, dumping them on your bed, and "forgetting" to fold them.
• Cosmo wants to know if it is possible to move the bird feeders indoors and leave the patio door open.
• If it feels too labor-intensive to move the bird feeders, how about creating a sunflower seed trail from the front porch into the laundry room? The chipmunks would be great company.
• Phoebe wanted to mention the catnip again...

Thank you for your thoughtful attention and careful consideration to our humble requests.

Love,
Cosmo, Saffy, and Phoebe

You Lick Wrought Iron? Let's Be Friends!

Originally posted July 23, 2010.

It's 5:00 in the morning and my mind goes strange places when I've only had a few sips of coffee. I was just thinking about how bizarre it would be if I had a human friend that possessed some of the interesting and sometimes odd habits my cats do. Picture this: You meet a new friend and he or she...

• drools.
• incessantly licks wrought iron.
• stands beside your bed and shouts at you to get up at 3:00 AM.
• races around the kitchen table, skidding around corners at meal time.
• makes chirpy sounds at birds and other tiny animals.
• tries to hijack your pillow.
• licks their own behind.
• likes to sleep in small boxes and paper bags.

Would you befriend this person? I definitely would -- in fact, I have some friends with far stranger habits. Like this guy ...

This guy.

Dear Fortune Cookie People

Dear Fortune Cookie People,
I'm often disappointed in the cheesy, generic messages I find in fortune cookies. Every time I receive one, I eagerly break it apart, hoping that your fine folks at Fortune Cookies R Us somehow crafted a more practical and hopeful message for me...but one for which I could still insert the hilariously necessary "in bed" at the end. Heads-up, cookie people -- here's what I want to see when I crack open that post-Kung Pao confection:

"You will soon be handed an entire plain, pasty NY cheesecake."

"You will sleep eight straight hours."

"You will awake to find a $50 coffee shop gift card under your pillow."

"Your cats will refrain from hacking giant hairballs in the middle of the night" (this one is a sister-fortune to #2)

"You will read an entire chapter of a book before falling asleep."

"You will receive a three hour massage, with extra emphasis on the upper back and feet."

"You will enjoy a delicious meal (that you didn't make) of Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo and a gorgeous bottle of Zen of Zin wine."

"You will receive an entire day and night at home...alone...just you and the cats."

Now, if I can just somehow finagle a fortune like one of those, I'd be chowing Chow Mein every night!

Fortunately Yours (not "in bed"),
Angie

Housework...blah, blah, blah

Sometimes I wish I were a person who does a little bit of maintenance housework every day and always seems to have a well-kept castle. I seem to be one of those that tidies up here and there, but never does anything major until 1) I cannot bear the sight of it anymore, 2) we are expecting company or 3) I am infected with the cleaning/organizing bug. In the case of the latter, I go-go-go til the whole house is spotless and then collapse until the next infection...usually a month or so down the road.

I love having a super-clean and organized house and I'm not lazy; I can just think of a bazillion other things I'd rather do than scrub a tub or mop a floor. I wonder how difficult it would be to train a cat to fold laundry... On second thought, warm pile of laundry + cat = nap. Bad idea. Do you think they could be trained to at least vacuum stairs?

Morrissey: The Cat's Meow

Welcome to a very special installation of Cats and the Men who Love Them. Those of you who know me, know that two of my very favorite subjects are cats and Morrissey.

Morrissey, was the lyricist and vocalist of the 80's alternative band, The Smiths, and currently writes/records as a solo artist. His lyrics have been described as, "dramatic...bleak, funny vignettes about doomed relationships, lonely nightclubs, the burden of the past and the prison of the home." He's a very talented, opinionated, and often morose fellow, but more importantly, a total lover of cats. In fact, he's often photographed petting or holding a cat.

Check out this snippet of an LA Weekly interview with Morrissey (also known as Moz, Mozza, Mozzer, Mozfather, and The Pope of Mope).
Are you an animal person? Oh, completely! I’m mystified by cats. I see a cat and I’m in a trance and the union begins . . .

So, do you have a cat? I’ve had many, many, many.

But you’re on the road. Yes, it’s — I’ve had many, and many have passed away.

That’s the worst part. Horrendous, horrendous. It’s worse than a human passing away.

Is it? Yes, it really is.

Why? Because you feel the cat doesn’t fully understand. They’re looking to you, they’re relying on you to get them through this, and you can’t . . . I’ve been in certain situations where I’ve had to terminate the life for the benefit of the cat and the pain is too much to bear. It’s insufferable. Because even as they get the final needle, they’re purring and they’re loving you and . . .

I know, it happened to me, my dog, too. It was awful, because they gave him the shot of ketamine, so he became paralyzed, but he was still conscious and he couldn’t . . . then I thought, oh God, now where’s his spirit, because he doesn’t understand what happened? And he is just assuming that if he is sitting next to you, he’s going to be okay.

Was your cat maimed? No, but he was very, very old, and he was arthritic, and he couldn’t go to the toilet properly and I would have to take him to the toilet, I’d have to do everything, but he was very, very happy, and as long as he was with me, he was thrilled to death. So, I held him at the last moment when they inserted the needle and, uh . . . I cried for hours and hours and hours. This sound came out of me, this sound of despair when he went, and I’d never heard it before.

Wow! Because I thought I’d be — I thought I could completely handle his death and I’d be fine. I’d look after him, I’d make sure everything was okay, and I’d make sure that his transition was as easy and comfortable as possible. And I howled.

I mean, I still have moments where I grieve again, out of the blue — does that happen to you? Of course! Of course! You miss your pets. You miss Sir Doo-Dah or whatever his name is . . . You miss them and you feel for them, and my cat was an incredible character. He wasn’t merely a cat, he was beyond human. He had the most incredible personality, an enormous personality, and as tough as, as they say, old boots, and I still miss him, I really still miss him. Sorry, I’m boring you stiff . . .

No! I want to talk forever. Might not be long enough.

Benefits of a Slap-Choppy Night's Sleep

I sometimes (lately more often than I'd like) wake up in the middle of the night and then can't get back to sleep. This is not news -- I've written about this subject a few times. It's frustrating, especially when I have to go to work at 6:45 and I'm running on four hours of sleep, 12 cups of coffee, and a prayer that I won't smack someone. Today I decided I shall dig around and seek the benefits of sleeplessness. There must be a little chip or two of a diamond buried somewhere in the muddy muck of sofa-backache and late night TV...

I can catch up on those old episodes of Wings and Home Improvement that I missed in the early 90's.

My mental to-do list is on fire in the middle of the night. If I keep a notepad nearby, I'm certain I'll create an epic list that will keep me busy for the next three years.

My cats love it when I'm up in the middle of the night. They curl up on all sides of the sofa and circle me while I read or watch TV. I'm jealous of their peaceful sleep. They are jealous of my midnight snacks.

I have the time to ponder thoughts that I'm normally too busy or sane to consider:

• Jillian Michaels really does looks like a man.
• Why is the same episode of Three's Company on every time I am up at 3am?
• Why don't men wear ascots anymore?

The Slap Chop infomercial doesn't watch itself.

So it's another day of coffee and maybe a nap this afternoon. Maybe I'll dream of Vince, wearing an ascot, Slap Chopping me a midnight snack.

Another Installment of Cats and the Men Who Love Them

No series of cat-lovin'-men would be complete without featuring Todd. I know Todd from way back (high-school-way-back) and he's married to my sister Amy, so I feel like I have a pretty good handle on his cat-man-essence. He's a bona fide, grade-A feline fancier and I adore the guy.



Catladyland: Have you always loved cats?

Todd: I've loved cats as long as I can remember. Growing up, we had several cats, including Mama Kitty who's name was well deserved. She spawned herds of kittens in her years on earth. She also started my love for black cats, which thankfully Amy and I share. We also had a huge orange tabby named Munchkin who we swore was allergic to cats.

Catladyland: Do you have cats now? Is there one that is your favorite?

Todd: We have two cats right now, Mojo and Bowser. Bowser (pictured) is my favorite; he's very demanding when trying to get some attention, but Mojo tends to get into and on to everything he's not supposed to.

Catladyland: What do you like best about cats?

Todd: Cats are just cool. I love their duality; they are content to spend all day with you on the couch, but they couldn't care less if you're gone for a week (as long as they're fed). I love dogs too, but they freak out after being alone for more than 15 minutes.

Cat-lovin'-men run in the family. My handsome nephew Ian (pictured with Mojo) is a devoted Catboy and is certain grow into a fine Catman!



















Thanks, Todd and Ian!! You are a purrfect addition to the Catladyland family tree!

Interested in being featured at a Man-Who-Loves-Cats or know a man who's not afraid to scoop a litter box or two? Drop me a line!

Can I Get a Little Help?

I've been working on computer hoo-ha all morning and, a little while ago, realized there wasn't a cat in my lap -- odd. I went looking for the three fuzz-butts and --surprise -- they were asleep on my bed. I cornered them and asked one of them to volunteer to return to Laptown, attempting to convince them that their whiskered warmth charges me with enhanced writing power and intensified creativity. Here's what they told me:




Phoebe: Mom, can't you see I'm deep in meditation?? Plus, if I don't even have the energy to put my tongue back in my mouth, how can I be expected to super-charge you with anything? Be gone.
























Cosmo:Sorry, Mom...I'm too tightly tucked. I can't bear to un-tuck...just too tuckered.



















Saffy: La, la, la, la...I can't hear you...la, la, la, la.

I guess I'm on my own...