Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Urge to Merge

One of my biggest pet peeves is aggressive driving -- I call these drivers Road Bullies. They tail you, cut you off, don't let you merge, and basically act like the road is their personal NASCAR track. Not only do I feel aggravated by their inconsiderate behind-the-wheel etiquette, I feel a touch of pity for them because I know that their bully-behavior is nothing more than a metaphor for their lives in general. I have a feeling that these individuals have a serious superiority complex and need a swift kick in the tailpipe from Miss Manners.

Why am I ranting about Road Bullies? Because today I was bullied by someone I'll call Red Truck. I was driving in the fast lane of a highway (ten miles over the posted speed limit) and suddenly this giant red Dodge Ram was digging its horns into the rear of my little car. I couldn't move to the other lane because there was no opening and I refused to drive any faster. Red Truck was obviously angry and tailed as close as he possibly could before he was actually mating with my car. I'm serious -- there was some serious heavy petting going on.

Fast forward a mile or two and I saw signs that the left lane would soon be closing, due to construction. We would have to merge. I was ready to get out from under Red Truck anyway so I welcomed the impending merge. I turned on my blinker just in time to prevent Red Truck's head explosion and looked for an opportunity to switch lanes. A very kind and polite car I'll call Blue Oldsmobile slowed down and I shifted to join the slower traffic next door. Red Truck gunned his giant engine (compensating for something, perhaps?) and zipped past me so he didn't have to merge until the every last minute. As we approached the final cut-off, where the two lanes officially become one, the do-or-die moment in merge-world, I saw him frantically trying to move to my lane. Red Rover, Red Rover, Red Truck can't get over -- no one was letting the Road Bully into the game. As I zoomed past, I saw him in my rear-view mirror, his angry blinker pulsing to the beat of the happy tune on my radio.

Dear Red Truck,
Wherever you are tonight, I send you peace, love, and some chamomile tea to help you relax. Life is too short -- enjoy the ride, Red Truck.

Love, Sweet Justice

Sugar is my Bad Boy

I've always had a sweet tooth. Heck, who am I kidding? I have a mouthful of sweet teeth. I love chocolate (especially good dark chocolate), cakes of all kinds, pies, brownies, donuts, ice cream, cookies, and every other delectable confection imaginable. As I've gotten older, I notice that although I pledge my undying devotion to sugar, our love affair is mostly one-sided. I am painfully aware of the stomach ache aftermath that occurs after just one or two cookies. That is why I generally eat about six or seven -- as long as my gut's going to burn anyway... right? Plus, sugar is (gasp) inflammatory, thus affecting my autoimmune issues. Who knew something I love so much would turn out to be so dangerous? It's like a bad-boy relationship -- I know it's wrong, but it's just so right. Sugar is my bad boy.

Because I really try to avoid sweet treats, or at least enjoy them in petite portions, I decided I can at least indulge in some eye candy. So, pour a cup of coffee and join me for a slice (or twelve) of visual ambrosia.

There ya go.... you can have as many servings as you want, without the guilt (or the stomachache). Seconds, please!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Stage is Set...

Sometimes when I am listening to music while riding my bike or driving, I imagine I am in a movie and the music is the soundtrack. Depending on the songs that are playing and the mood that I am in, it can be an upbeat romantic comedy, morose tale of love and loss, or sometimes even an action-packed tale of mystery and intrigue. Either way, it's always a fictional tale dreamed up by my overactive imagination.

This morning I was riding my bike in the woodsy park near my house. It crazy-rained last night so the gravelly and dirt roads were wet and sometimes it took extra effort to maneuver my bike wheels along them. The sky was cloudy and the tree branches hung low and canopied my path. My soundtrack was the melancholy music of Cowboy Junkies, Jay Farrar, and Conor Oberst. The scene was set....

A woman (me) who's been through a series of trials and tribulations is at a turning point. The struggle of guiding her bike on these muddy roads parallels the struggles she's experienced in her life. It's all come to this point...this exact moment of her realization that, although life has dealt her what feels like a hopeless hand, her destiny is ultimately hers to create. She stands up to pedal, moving her bicycle more quickly through the muck. A montage of scenes from her life flash into her brain to the tune of Cowboy Junkies' "To Live is to Fly." She imagines the ones she loves, her cats, her precious grandmother...who only ever wanted her to find true happiness, but died last year in a grisly farming accident. He grandmother's voice rises above the music and says, "Only you can write your story." She smiles as the bike leaves the dark trail and breaks into a bright green field. Overhead, the clouds part and reveal a glint of summer sunshine. She raises her eyes to the warm morning rays and says, "Thank you, Grandma." Her life is forever changed.

I'll be holding auditions for roles in my imaginary movies very soon -- have your people call my people.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

More Naps and Unquestioned Quirky Behavior? Sign Me Up!

Because I still feel listy (hey -- it's better than feeling listless) and am often jealous of my cats' lives of leisure, I began thinking about the reasons why I would enjoy the life of a feline.

1. I could practice my napping skills and my gift for being able to fall asleep anywhere would be useful.

2. I could zone-out in a daydream while staring at a wall and no one would even think twice about my sanity.

3. I could ignore people that annoy me.

4. All of my meals would be prepared for me.

5. I could fit into really great hiding places when I wanted to be elusive.

6. Someone else would clean my toilet.

7. I would never have to change clothes (no more laundry!).

8. I'd have really cute, tiny front teeth (I LOVE those little teeth).

9. The only fashion faux pas I'd have to avoid is walking around with an ear turned inside out.

10. I could entertain myself for hours with a string, a milk jug lid, or a ball of foil.

Yes, my cats have a pretty cushy life for which I think I'd be pretty well-suited. Well...apart from the "licking my own behind" part...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dollops of Delight

Lately, I've been thinking about gratitude and all the things I love about my life. Because I'm feeling ooey-gooey and always looking for another opportunity to create a list, I give you 20 odd little dollops of delight that I absolutely adore.

1. Looking into the refrigerator or pantry and finding exactly what I am hungry for at the time
2. Listening to the very end of a great song just as I'm pulling into the driveway
3. The smell of a lilac bush
4. Dipping a potato chip into baked beans (see #1)
5. Finding a misplaced list and realizing I can cross-off multiple items
6. The cat-spit smell of my cats' fur
7. Reaching into my vortex of a purse and locating my keys right away (this is in contrast to the all-too-frequent event of having to dump my entire purse on the floor, curse, and finally locate my keys)
8. Watching Monty Python's Flying Circus with my kids and laughing our bums off
9. Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's by myself and crying at the end
10. That excited feeling when I've found something in common with a friend
11. Watching and listening to chubby little chickadees
12. Writing with a purple pen
13. Getting a strong cup of coffee and walking around the farmer's market early in the morning with John
14. The smell and taste of jasmine rice
15. A giant bucket of French fries at the State Fair
16. Becoming completely entranced and fascinated with beautiful poetry
17. Acting so completely silly with my friends that other people politely walk (run) away
18. Making up and listening to ridiculous puns
19. The thought of hugging a miniature horse
20. The feeling of waking up, thinking it's time to get up for the day, and realizing I still have six hours to sleep

I could think of at least two dozen more things, but I seriously feel the need to whip up some baked beans...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Nom, nom, nom...

OK, I know I am weird on so many levels (it's at this point that my husband says, "you can just stop right there"), but apart from what has become "everyday weird," I have a confession. Sometimes when I am holding one of my cats, I am so overwhelmed by their tasty cuteness that I want to bite them or squeeze them until they pop. I never do, mind you, but I can hardly contain myself sometimes.

Have you seen Phoebe's nose? It is white and sweet like a perfect powdered sugar donut. I want a nibble of that nose.

And Saffy's belly is like a giant coconut macaroon. Seriously...it's completely luscious and fluffy-ful. I have yet to sneak a snack of it, but I will not deny an occasional tummy-nuzzle.

And dear, sweet Cosmo and his scrumptious black and white coat of delicious-- not unlike a freshly baked piece of marble cake. I want to frost him for a late-night snack -- he's such a tempting treat.

Have I finally gone off the deep end? Or am I just hungry all the time? Maybe both.

Friday, June 11, 2010


I love word games, writing, and general silliness. Yesterday I was thinking that it might be fun to combine these interests into some regular blog entries. Enter my beloved Bananagrams game. I created a crossword based on my feelings, plans, thoughts, and general contents of my brain today...some content more serious than others, but hey -- that's just exactly what happens in my head! It's sort of like Facebook status line meets Scrabble game. Now if I could just somehow incorporate my love of bacon into this project...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I'm Serious This Time

Among 8q23492837 things (yes, there's a "q" in that number -- that's just how crazy-big it is), I am also working on focusing my thoughts these days. My mind tends to wander easily. Who am I kidding? It tends to sprint in a thousand different directions. You can imagine that this makes it difficult for me to accomplish something...anything, really. I'm extremely skilled in the area of distraction. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty flawless. I'll start meandering down the road of Project 1 and soon my mind jumps to Project 2 and I'm off on a distraction detour with a stop at the Diversion Diner for some preoccu-pie.

This is all changing today. I'm going to work on writing projects all morning. I'm serious. I have a list, a timeline, and a sleeping cat in my lap -- I'm not going anywhere. Just to prove my determination, here's a haiku (because everyone knows haiku poetry is as solid as a pinky promise).

Assiduous aim
Never veering from the goal
I mean it this time.

For real...

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