Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Stop the Scary-Go-Round, I Want to Get Off!!

I'm a huge baby when it comes to all things spooky. I have never been a fan of scary movies, I don't like shocking surprises and you couldn't pay me enough to set foot inside a haunted house. I remember watching the original Halloween when I was a kid. I was so petrified that I began burping uncontrollably, which caught me completely off guard. Here I was balled up on an old quilt in front of our car at the drive-in, burping like crazy. Now when I happen to catch a movie teeming with tense scenes, I find my body on the verge of a burp. I'm not sure about any medical explanation for mysterious gastrointestinal phenomena, but it happens. I also have a movie-viewing method I like to call "watching through the picket fence." If I think there might be a frightening scene coming up, I'll place my hand in front of my face and watch through my fingers. That way, if something creepy happens, I can quickly snap my fingers together.

Here are some of the things that still scare the bejesus out of me.

* When I see an image of the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz, I feel like I might vomit. Just this morning I was thumbing through a copy of Entertainment Weekly and her creepy green grimace caught my eye and I froze. I will avoid future thumbing of that issue. Remember the scene when the house is flying through the air and she is riding her bike through the farm-debris-filled tornado turmoil? Eeek!! Please pass the Pepto.

* I refuse to watch the original Amityville Horror again for fear that I will lose all future prospects of a good night's sleep. Scary is bad, but true-story scary is horrifying. If I ever moved into a house that told me to get out, I'd be at the Holiday Inn faster than you can say "holy water."

* I watched The Ring only after someone assured me that it wouldn't be "that scary." As the Japanese horror movie re-make gods would have it, the following weekend my husband went out of town. Thanks to the fresh images of that swampy, un-dead little girl crawling out of the well, I hid under the covers with my cats all night long and refused to answer the telephone.

* I would like to virtually punch everyone who ever e-mailed me that terrible "optical illusion" that you stare at until a frightening, shrieking image pops onto the screen. I will send you the bill for my new anxiety meds.

* Crypt-Keeper-looking guys totally terrify me. Case in point: the limo driver from Burnt Offerings and the eerie old guy from Poltergeist. I just thought about Googling images of both and nearly needed to begin breathing into a paper bag.

* These are movies I will never watch again: Silence of the Lambs, Amityville Horror, Halloween I-XXIV, The Shining, The Omen, Nightmare on Elm Street and Burnt Offerings. Swarms of flies named Damien eating fava beans and shouting, "Here's Johnny" couldn't make me do it. Nope.

* These are scary movies I never plan to watch the first time: The Exorcist, The Grudge, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Rosemary's Baby, and anything anyone tries to convince me is "not too scary" -- they're big fat liars.

I am quite content to spend another Friday night in front of a quirky romantic comedy. And the only movie-related-burping I want to experience will come from characters in another silly Seth Rogen movie.


  1. LOL All the movies on your never to watch AGAIN list are ones I have never watched in the first place.... The last scary movie I saw was "Prom Night" and that was in the 1980's sometime LOL and only because my dumb friends dragged me to it.

    Horror movies are pointless in my opinion.

  2. BOOO!!

    *waits for you to burp*

    I used to looooove scary movies, fright houses, you name it. After I had kids, it was like that part of me was removed. I'm a complete chicken shit now.


    See? ;)

  3. Thought you miight like to take a visit here:


  4. I am so with you. Although Halloween XXIII was pretty solid. OMG The Ring....I can't believe you have seen that. That was the first time I have seen this whole muted-color-freaky-special-effects thing they are doing now. I was 4 months post-partum and I am still getting over seeing that. Please whatever you do, don't ever watch the Exorcist. WAY ahead of its time. I used to like them too. Something about having kids changed all that. And no one is more of a freak about haunted houses than Leah. Well, maybe you two are about the same. Ugh. I have no interest in scary movies anymore. Half the time my brain IS a scary movie.

  5. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE scary movies...emphasis on scary. I HATE gory movies. Blood and guts for the sake of blood and guts...stupid. The human imagination can fill in the blanks just fine, thank you. I don't need it thrown in my face. I rented Hannibal on pay-per-view a few years ago, and ended up turning the channel. I was really disappointed in that one.

    I love ghost stories, especially true ones. (Although, George Lutz's lawyer came out a few years ago and said they made up the whole Amityville Horror thing as a way to make money.) I watch Ghost Hunters every week and love to look up stories on the web. Creepy is cool. :0)

    Since you don't like scary, I guess you won't be buying my novel if/when it comes out. *sigh*


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