Friday, September 7, 2012

Fanglish End-of-Term Review

You've had a summer's worth of Fanglish lessons so you should be well on your way to becoming an expert in the ways of cat slang. Here's a review so you can test your knowledge, or if you're new to Fanglish, you can catch up with the rest of the class!

Dazed and Can-fused
The excitement of hearing a can opener, followed by the intense disappointment of realizing your human has opened a can of food for herself

I stood there, dazed and can-fused, as The Lady opened a can of niblet corn.

Faux Paw
When, during a heated romp, one cat breeches etiquette by not giving his opponent the allotted few seconds of grace when he abruptly breaks to clean himself

While licking the length of his back leg, Buster was blindsided by Rusty's massive faux paw of a whack to the side of his head.

Dinner and a Show
The act of cleaning one's rear area in full view of a human's dinner party guests 

The Lady was embarrassed when my dinner and a show distracted her guests from their flank steak.

A cat that stares at a blank wall for an unusual amount of time

Mittens, a total starecase, was completely entranced by a spot on the wall and didn't see the treats on the floor.

The exact center of a human's full bladder that, when kneaded, creates a look of pain on a human's face

This morning, I knew I'd hit The Lady's kneadlepoint when she said a bad word and ran to the bathroom.

The act of turning one's head quickly at precisely the moment a human presses the camera button to take a photograph of you

I showed The Lady I was tired of posing in the pink tutu by giving her a few spurn-and-turns until she put the camera away.

Loaf of Wry
A cat tightly tucked in the loaf position and wearing a sarcastic facial expression

The Lady wanted me to play with the neighbor boy, but I was clearly a loaf of wry.

Boxing Match

A large cat's persistent struggle to fit into a tiny box

After Valentine's Day, we all watched the boxing match between Bubba and the heart-shaped candy box. 

Flipping a Bird
A disinterested cat's placating paw-swat at a bird wand toy

The Lady wanted me to play with the new toy but I wanted to sleep so I just flipped a bird to satisfy her.

Recovery Effort

When a human places new fabric on top of a clawed piece of furniture

I laughed at The Lady's recovery effort of the new corduroy on top of my favorite scratching sofa. 

The act of rubbing one's face over every inch of a human's book while she is attempting to read.

After facebooking The Lady's novel half a dozen times, she finally put her book down and petted me.

The mad rush to immediately urinate in a freshly changed litter pan.

We were all lined up to flash-in-the-pan the second The Lady placed the fresh pans on the floor.

S.A.D. (Seasonal Atrocious Deprivation)
The time in autumn when humans turn the clocks back and a cat's inner mealtime clock is completely thrown off, resulting in the feeling of certain starvation

The Lady's complete disregard for my S.A.D. made me want to hack a hairball on her fancy new purse.

A cat who howls during every second of a car ride

On the way to the vet, I was very quiet, but Mittens was a real ridezilla.

Counter Culture 
The social norms and values of counter-cruising felines

The Lady completely destroyed our counter culture when she began putting the butter dish in the pantry.

Ear Might
The cocking of a sleeping cat's ear as she hears a human address her and considers if she might wake up or if she might not

Snowball showed an ear might when The Lady called her from the other room.

Five O'Clock Shadow
When, at 5am, the shadow of a human is seen walking to the bathroom, clearly indicating breakfast time

I saw The Lady's five o'clock shadow and immediately began yowling for food.

The panicky feeling of separation one feels when a closed door stands between cat and human

The Lady was showering and my a-door-ation overtook me as I incessantly pawed at the door.

Pandora's Box
The phenomenon of cats instantly gathering when a human opens a newly-received shipping box, followed by the unavoidable problems associated with one box and multiple cats

The Lady's recent delivery from UPS unleashed a Pandora's box situation between Mittens, Snowball, and Maurice.

A cat's indecision between wanting a human to pet him and the overwhelming urge to bite the human's hand

The Lady wanted to cuddle with me, but my bite-and-switch made her say a bad word.

Rainbow Fridge
1. The final resting place for toys batted under the refrigerator
2. The final resting place of expired, partial cans of cat food, hidden behind condiments and leftovers, and elusive to the human, months ago, when she first tried to find them

Mittens was heartbroken when his favorite jingle ball crossed under the rainbow fridge.

When The Lady tackled spring cleaning, she found the half-eaten cans of turkey and giblets she'd been looking for before Christmas had crossed into the rainbow fridge

Bag Lady
A female human returning home from the store with bagged purchases

Maurice liked it when the bag lady shopped at upscale grocery stores; the bags were way more comfortable for napping.

Getting Cheeky
The act in which a human decides, instead of disturbing a cat by moving her from a chair, to balance a single butt cheek on the edge of said chair

The Lady immediately got cheeky when she noticed Snowball was fast asleep in her favorite chair. 


The concentrated look on a cat's face while she is relieving herself in the litter pan

Maurice's preoccupootion could not be broken, even when Mittens kicked litter on him from a nearby box.

All Present and Accounted For
All cats are gathered around the present-wrapping supplies the human has arranged on the floor

Mittens, Maurice, and Snowball were all present and accounted for when The Lady began wrapping Christmas gifts. 

Flee Control

The act of placing a cat in a closed room while movers or other humans come and go from a building, thus preventing the feline escape

In an act of flee control, The Lady locked Mittens in the bathroom while the delivery humans carried new furniture into the house.

Full of Sheet
A cat who is sleeping under a bed sheet

Mittens was tired of trying to play with Maurice, who was completely full of sheet.

Open Bar
A drippy faucet

After The Lady took a shower, Snowball alerted Mittens and Maurice of the open bar in the bathroom.

The new Fanglish term starts next Friday so sharpen your pencils and buy a new notebook!

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