Friday, June 1, 2012

Fanglish: The Secret World of Cat Slang

Most are familiar with the sometimes-gritty online slang guide known as Urban Dictionary. Seriously...where else can we find definitions for words like bootylicious (curvaceous or voluptuous, esp. in the derriere) or Post-Potter Depression (the feeling that a chunk of your heart was just ripped out after having finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, knowing that you will never again feel the anticipation, the excitement, or the pre-release hype that ever accompanies a Harry Potter book release)? The site is chock-full of clever pop culture vernacular as well as mature, often rude content; please use caution when perusing the pages and don't say I didn't warn you!

Most humans aren't aware of the underground feline code of lingo known as Fanglish. Spoken in back-alley dumpsters, abandoned K-Mart parking lots, and unsuspecting humans' homes, Fanglish may not be as explicit as some human slang; however, it is steeped in the brazen badassery and witty snark that only a cat can deliver.

Here are some choice cuts from the Fanglish Dictionary:

Dazed and Can-fused
The excitement of hearing a can opener, followed by the intense disappointment of realizing your human has opened a can of food for herself.

I stood there, dazed and can-fused, as The Lady opened a can of niblet corn.

Faux Paw
When, during a heated romp, one cat breeches etiquette by not giving his opponent the allotted few seconds of grace when he abruptly breaks to clean himself.

While licking the length of his back leg, Buster was blindsided by Rusty's massive faux paw of a whack to the side of his head.

Dinner and a Show
The act of cleaning one's rear area in full view of a human's dinner party guests. 

The Lady was embarrassed when my dinner and a show distracted her guests from their flank steak.

A cat that stares at a blank wall for an unusual amount of time.

Mittens, a total starecase, was completely entranced by a spot on the wall and didn't see the treats on the floor.

Humans, this is mere peek into the secret world of Fanglish. Honestly, if my cats caught me divulging any part of this specialized lingo, I'd have to sleep with one open eye. Of course, I do have more Fanglish to share, but for my own safety, I can only release a few bits and pieces at a time. I'm sure you understand.

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