Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bailey Cats -- Busted!!

The following is a post reprinted from February 5, 2009.  I recently ran across it and forgot how much it made me laugh -- I hope you like it too!

I have long suspected that my three cats have led secret lives apart from the banal business of Bailey housecatdom. I now have the proof:

Scenario: I found my old sports bra and a drool-soaked make-up sponge hidden behind the litter box. All three cats are called forward for questioning.

Suspect: Cosmo. I know this because he is a terrible liar and cannot look at me when I blatantly ask about his participation in such shenanigans. Notice Phoebe and Saffy's unwavering gaze as they witness their brother crumble under the stress of it all.

Despite his continued insistence of innocence, my suspicions were cemented when I happened upon a frightening vision a few nights ago. I'd arose at midnight for a glass of water and caught Cosmo primping for karaoke night at the local underground club, "Catnip Crossing." Busted!

I began to worry when Saffy didn't show up for dinner a few nights ago. I scoured the house, thinking that perhaps someone had inadvertantly trapped her in a closet. Upon entering the basement, my attention focused on frantic scratching that seemed to be coming from the corner. I followed the sound to a cardboard box in a dank, dark corner, flat against the water heater. Hesitantly, I peered inside and my worst fears were realized. Saffy stared up at me, whiskers weighed down with the stuff, her eyes finished in a fine euphoric glaze. She'd been a slave to the catnip cave all day and didn't appear to be seeking rehab anytime soon. Where did she get the money to pay for all of this nip? We certainly didn't have that kind of cash just lying around the house....

Who knew the Boggle gambling ring could be such a lucrative racket? This secret society of feline word-wagers goes as far back as ancient Egypt, where these cunning kitties tossed 4-sided chunks of heiroglyphic-scratched mudbrick, in hopes of winning a jug of catnip-infused fig wine. Nowdays, cats won't play for anything less than the straight-up pure stuff.

Q: How much catnip can be won from a single game of back-alley Boggle?

A: How many words can you find in 3 minutes?


Phoebe's behavior suddenly seemed strikingly standoffish. When I tried to cuddle and kiss her, she had that faraway look in her eyes, almost like she no longer enjoyed the cozy closeness to which she once clung.

She then developed a habit of hiding in closets and wouldn't come down for hours. When she did finally emerge, she barely spoke a word and shunned the other cats. She requested a separate litterbox in the garage and a private phone line. Our befuddlement broadened with each passing day.

One cold, fateful morning, all of our questions were answered. It turns out that Phoebe was having a long distance affair with a young tomcat in the feline professional monster truck circuit. His name was Scully, aka The Scottish Fold of Fury, and she'd been writing to him for months. She saw his picture on the back 

of a can of Fancy Feast and couldn't get him out of her head. She hacked into my internet account and located his fan page... the rest is history. She saw the monster truck in the box that Ben was about to wrap as a birthday gift for a friend. Naive in the ways of love and the US Postal Service, she thought if she removed the truck and inserted herself, she'd be sent directly to Scully. Busted!

I think I need to call Dr. Phil.


  1. It makes me think I should put up a 'nanny cam' and find out what Banjo really does when I am away all day at work! Too funny!

    Happy Saturday Angie!
    xo Catherine

  2. That was so funny. Loved hearing all those stories about everyone's mishaps. I think a 'nanny cam' truly is in order. They are all very funny. Thanks for the chuckle.

  3. Thanks fo reposting... This was hysterical... The sad thing is Marc and I do have a nanny cam for Alex. We check him out during the day when we are at work, and when we travel, we have the little computer on all the time.. Yes, we are basket cases... I am actually going to be writing about this next week (with pictures)... Poor Alex.. Do you know where he can get some sane parents?

  4. We have a nanny came too, but the humans don't leave us too often, besides, we know where they are an we never step in front of them if they are out! Loved that post, way too funny!

  5. What a great post! Thank you for sharing it with us!

  6. Mommy and I loved that post. The only thing is..we cats are loathe for our humans to know what we do. This calls for a fine re-tooling around here. Who only knows what Mom does to see what I'm doing!

  7. LOL, great post! The pic of Cosmo in a wig is too much!! Cross dresser! If that is wrong, I don't want to be right.

  8. MOL! We loves this post!
    We hopes Cosmo not minds that you outted him. We supports you Cosmo!
    We are so glad we finds your blog!

  9. Carol's Critter Corner
    Great post, glad you decided to run it again. I am amused with their antics, great personalities they have.

  10. Brilliant post and so insightful. The catnip problem needs government intervention, stronger laws and zero tolerance lol


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