Midnight Mental Popcorn

Sometimes when I'm stricken with insomnia, I snuggle up on the sofa with a cat or three and watch old sitcoms and infomercials.  Sometimes (many times) my mind wanders and thoughts become pieces of mental popcorn, some more flavorful than others, but all doused with some unidentifiable seasoning...like what you might buy at the dollar store, with a "sell-by" date of three Januaries past.  Here, please have some.


"Is that Cosmo making biscuits on my bottom?  Mmmmm....now I'm hungry for biscuits."

"If a Genie Bra granted me three wishes, they would be 1) Cosmo would bake me some midnight biscuits, 2) my TV's volume would stop changing so drastically when my late night TV shows go to commercial breaks, and 3)  Genie Bra commercial people would stop using the word 'back fat.'"


Haven't seen the Genie Bra commercial?  Don't worry, I've got your back (fat):



Now that you've been properly sprinkled with Genie Bra goodness, let's return to my thoughts.

"I really have to go to the bathroom, but that would mean disturbing the cats draped across my legs and torso.  Hold it, hold it, hold it.... *seriously considers wearing Depends to bed, thus avoiding upsetting the cats' peaceful slumber*"

"What time is it?  Only 2:30 am?  Dear Genie Bra, I am ready to exchange my wish for consistent television volume to a wish for a larger bladder.  Thank you."

 

Tethered and Unhinged: The Pet High Chair

Quick...who wants to chuck $50 down a rat hole?? Look no further, friends -- thanks to my friend, Linda, I now give you the Pet High Chair. The fine folks at Hammacher Schlemmer assure us that this chair, "assuages a pet (and its owner's) frustration, and promotes more refined behavior." Hold on a minute because this bears repeating... "promotes more refined behavior." I think Hamshabamma (or whatever their name is) needs to come to my house at dinnertime and attempt to wrangle one of my cats into this device. Yes...this little slice of ingenuity is for dogs and cats. Can you even imagine asking your cat to sit still and act refined? At the dinner table? While you are trying to eat your spaghetti and whatnot? Pshaw!

Plus, look at that dog's face. He's obviously just a titch unhinged (undoubtedly like his owner). He's not acting refined...he's got his wild eye on your steak! Habashmimberrr also wants us to know that, "two tethers on the chair protect your dinner guests against any lapses in etiquette." Seriously? Those two tethers are supposed to prevents lapses in etiquette? Does it prevent the drizzly dog drool, the crazy cat claws, and the howly-meowy mishmash? Those are some pretty amazing tethers. Does it work for teenagers? I'll take 50.

And don't forget that it, "folds for convenient storage and travel." And why not? Who doesn't want Binky to have a spot at the grown-up table at Aunt Matilda's house this Thanksgiving? Your new boyfriend is cooking dinner for you at his place? Bring Muffin along! Nothing says, "I'll die a spinster" like showing up for a date with pet high chair and an unhinged-looking dog in tow.

Still considering the Pet High Chair? Fine. You better order extra tethers for your own crazy self.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree...and a Bacon Martini

The holidays are quickly approaching and there may be those few people on your shopping list who really do have everything. Ponder no longer! I've scoured the interwebz to locate some real gems for your hard-to-buy-for friends and family.



Who doesn't love fresh bread...on their feet? Slip your cold tootsies inside these loaves of love and command the cozy comfort of their crusty goodness.





Did someone say bacon vodka??? It's true! Just when we thought any more pure ecstasy could be extracted from those savory little strips, the mapley-magic of the masterful Mr. Bacon is married with the ever-intoxicating allure of Ms. Vodka. These two lovebirds produce such offspring as the Bakon Oyster Shooter, the Bakon Mary, the Irish Boar, and my personal favorite: the Swine Flu Shot (equal parts Bakon vodka, Jaeger, and Goldschlager). I I can't decide if this product makes me feel fancy or trailer trasheriffic. Someone please fetch my bacon-scented tuxedo.



When you are hosting a classy dinner party, why not impress your guests with this talking toilet paper roll holder? Seriously, what could be more annoying than a sassy robotic voice shaming you for not eating enough fiber? Oh I know what's more annoying...the toilet paper rolling around the back instead of the front. Someone will love this....right???




And after a long day of internet shopping, what could be more refreshing than a Bakon chocolate martini? Mmmmm.....

I'm in the Wrong Business

I have a penchant for blogging about wacky cat accoutrement and other curiosities. I enjoy diving into the great internet abyss and seeing what treasures I can unearth from its sometimes craggy underbelly. Granted, I would never actually slap down the Visa and purchase most of these impractical items, but they sure are fun to ogle. Now if I could find a way to get paid to design cat products that are fun, functional, edgy, and only slightly annoying to my felines....

* What could be more useful than a saddle bag for a cat? Since they refuse to procure proper summer employment, why can't they at least help Mama bring in the groceries, carry recyclable items to the garage, and deliver snacks?

* Lint-roller shoes would be of great assistance. After carpeting the sofa with their fur, they can do their part by cleaning up after themselves. To avoid embarrassment, the shoes can be designed in fashionable styles like Ugg-type boots and peep-toe pumps (low heels, of course).

* Is it too pie-in-the-sky to imagine an alarm clock-type item that can be set to synchronize with my alarm clock? The kitty could wear it around his neck, like a fancy collar. No more 4:30 am meow-meow-business!

* Can hypnosis affect cats? If so, I'd love a hypnosis CD that would lull my cats into subliminal programming that would convince them to not chew my laptop cord and eat slowly so they don't puke five minutes afterward (often in dark, well-traveled parts of the house).

Yes...when I figure out how to market these products, I will be a wealthy woman. Hey, if robotic litter boxes and double-decker kitty strollers have a market, cat hypnosis is not far behind!

What do you think, Phoebe?






Yep, she's totally on board.

I Scored a BINGO With These Scrabble Products

To which I've alluded approximately 28379273 times, I'm a Scrabble geek. Although strictly a social living room player, I'm toying with the idea of purchasing a timer. I think the tension and excitement of the ticking timer (well, the new timers are digital, so I'm referring to the metaphorical ticking) is exhilarating, but will likely feed my anxiety and perhaps push me closer toward a Xanax prescription. Alas, I must have one. As I scanned the Scrabble sites for timers, I became entranced with the stockpile of Scrabble stuff available to both the casual and competitive word nerd. In case anyone wants to purchase a nifty word gifty for moi, here is my personal vernacular gift registry.

This bag from Zazzle cracks me up. Word to your tile bag.



These earrings from Eclectic Elements are da bomb. You can even choose your own letters for the tiles. What if I chose two blank ones?

Love this shirt from Word Gear. I just have to remember to not wear it when I am playing because my opponents might be wearing their cheater pants*.

*Cheater pants not available at Word Gear.


Although I don't think my rack compares to this lady's, I would totally wear this shirt from Zazzle.

Catladyland's Tour of Twisted Trinkets

Oh no she didn't make another weird product post! I swear, I wouldn't be frequently inviting you to the kook-fest if I weren't constantly finding such a bizarre bounty of knickknackery. This post features three products which are both peculiar and perfectly putrid.


Your eyes do not deceive you. This is the Peter Petrie Egg Separator. When you want to enjoy a little egg white omelet with your pile of bacon, crack open the little eggie and let the egg-white snot drain into your breakfast bliss! The site describes the appetizing process in this manner: "While the yolk is blocked by the nose, the albumen tastefully drips through the nostrils and into your bowl." Delicious.





Since the cackleberry snout-siphon wasn't repulsive enough to stop you from reading, you are now rewarded with a fine collection of Toilet Bowl Lip Glosses. Dry, cracked lips can be uncomfortable and unattractive. Why not glide your finger across this handly little cosmetic commode, stuffed with sweet, strawberry sheen. Oh, and guess what?! It's also a keychain! Your lips will never feel crappy again.



Want to chill your beverage and freak out your friends? Consider the Frozen Smiles ice cube tray. This tray produces ice in the shape of life-sized dentures. What looks more refreshing than a set of frozen false teeth floating in an effervescent glass of 7-Up? You know what would be even funnier? Denture-shaped Jello-shots.

Candied Bacon Martini... Make it a Double

It's been at least a few weeks since I've featured anything bacon-related on my blog. A couple of my friends found some doozies yesterday so I thought I'd take you on an enchanting escape to Baconville, where today's blue plate special includes some very special bacon-flavored goodies.


What better apparatus to scrape those residual bacon bits from between your toothies than more bacon -- flavored floss, that is. I know when I ponder dental hygiene, I just can't help thinking of BACON!! Nine out of ten pork enthusiasts agree: bacon flavored floss is the cure for even the most pork-packed-bicuspids.






No bacon in the fridge, no worries. Aren't you glad you purchased that bottle of Squeez Bacon? This 100% bacon paste from Sweden boasts a squeeze nozzle that releases the porky paste in the shape of actual bacon strips. And their motto? "If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon!" As much as I adore some smoky, crispy goodness, I am not certain I can buy into their promise of bacony bliss. Maybe it's the consistency. Maybe it's the words "paste" and "nozzle." Maybe it's just plain wrong. Thank you to Todd for this fascinating and disturbing product link.



Who would have thunk that the health-conscious folks in LA would be endorsing this Candied Bacon-Flavored Martini? Why didn't I think of mixing liquor and bacon? These questions are getting in the way of my getting to the liquor store to purchase some applejack brandy...





Many thanks to Bryan for alerting me to Baconlube, the newest product from J & D's, the maker of Bacon Salt, Bacon Lip Balm, and Baconnaise. So you fancy yourself a bacon lover? But are you a bacon lover? This product is not yet on the market, but the company is currently seeking some bold beta testers. Follow the link to start sizzlin'!

A Flair for the Foolheaded

Flair Hair: for when you want to blanket your balding belfry and look exceptionally smug and ridiculous.











Now it's time to erase that disturbing image forever from our memories....








All better now.

Another Chapter in Catladyland's Curiosity Cavalcade

If you regularly read my blog, you know that sometimes I enjoy sharing interesting products I've encountered while skimming sites. Why, in the name of Ron Popeil, would I want to hoard all the happiness found in reveling in some of the most cool and curious (read: freaky-freak) products on the market. Prepared particularly for your pleasure, I give you today's pu pu platter of peculiar products:

Check out this moss carpet! I understand all the eco-friendly aspects of this product, but for the life of me, I cannot imagine emerging from the shower and stepping onto something that reproduces by spores and grows in tufts. It seems to me like you'd have to wash your feet all over again. Plus, if I'm going to have a living bath rug, I think my cats might prefer me to choose something of the catnip variety.






With the Purr-Detector, there's no longer a need to guess when your cat's purr-box is engaged. I can only imagine how alarmed my other cats would be watching their sibling's neck begin flashing wildly after breakfast. And picture this: you're just settling down for a much-needed night's sleep and your kitty curls up beside you in bed. Just as your eyelids are closing the curtains on a long day, a series of bright red flashes illuminates the room like a discotheque. No thanks -- Cosmo's drooling mouth is enough to signal me that he is purrfectly placid.


Won't your guests be stunned when they lift the toilet lid and a sopping wet Tinkles the Toilet Cat jumps out to greet them! Whaaaat? The fine company that brings us this prankster-puss wants to remind the potential purchasers that "this is not a toy." Then what is it?! Are they implying that a plastic cat suction-cupped to the inside of a human waste recepticle is serious business? I'm confused on so many levels.


Sometimes I wonder who shells out the cash to acquire these anomalies. But I suppose that somewhere in this great big bizarre world, Tinkles the Toilet Cat is hanging over the edge of the stool watching a feline with a blinking collar lounging on a moss rug. I'm sure of it.

A Bacon Kind of Love

They say that bacon is the gateway meat that gently entices herbivores into to the carnival of the carnivorous. The scrumptious strip whose siren song is simply too seductive has long since beguiled even the most enthusiastic lettuce lovers. I was a vegetarian for 10+ years and then -- you guessed it -- the sizzling scent of pork fat on the griddle anesthetized me into submission. I quickly became a disciple of the bacon, my fervent ferocity for its crispy charm knew no bounds. I devoured bacon every day, even sprinkling the crispy crumbles of joy on top of vanilla ice cream (which was crazy-good, by the way). Eventually, the bacon-bonanza took its toll and I decided my swollen sausage fingers and pork-tinged lip gloss were not great looks for me, not to mention the obvious pandemonium that was playing out inside my body. I decided it would be in my best interest to only enjoy the scrumptious strips of love in moderation. While my consumption of the crispy treat has waned, I've redirected my snout to the aesthetic world of all things bacony -- and believe me when I say there is a plenitude of porkity-pork-pleasure out there. Here's a sampling of some of the more unique offerings:


Wow! Check out the wonder of the magnetic bacon strip!
That cat thinks he's found the promised land. Won't he be mad when he only sees a jug of soy milk and some leftover asparagus? I would totally attach these to the back of my car.














There are 348724 gb of love in this flash drive. You could save all your favorite photographs of bacon on this drive and then take it to work and share the love with your co-workers.













You can transport your flash drive to work in this fine briefcase that boasts a lovely pork-marble sheen. Your Excel spread sheets will sizzle as you pull them out of this savory satchel at business meetings.




Won't you be the talk of the company Christmas party when you show up in this bacon-scented bacon tux? Heck, if my husband owned this fancy piece of formal baconocity, I'd make him wear it to the grocery store, the movies, and even to the kids' school conferences. What woman can resist a man who smells like bacon sizzling in the pan? Who, I say???

Go ahead, I know you're hungry now... go fry up a heaping panful of bacony bliss. And save a piece or twelve for me.

Nibbling the Edge of Food Quirks

I love catalogs. Yesterday I received the newest copy of Current in my mailbox. I remember when Current was known for their designer checks; now their catalog pages pop with wrapping paper, mop slippers, cookbooks and seasonal socks. As I perused the pages, a particular image caught my eye; it was called the Brownie Edge Pan and it looked magical. A self-professed brownie devotee, my mouth watered at the prospect of delicious chewy edges on every piece. Ingenious! The person who invented this non-stick carbon-steel marvel was really thinking.... I often see products like these and wonder, "Why can't I come up with ideas like that?" It seems like such a simple solution - if you like the edge pieces, why not create a pan that bakes a brownie with more edgy delights? Another fantastic idea? The Muffin Top Maker. Brilliant. I remember watching the Seinfeld episode that features Elaine's former boss, Mr. Lippman, opening the store, "Top of the Muffin to You!" I was intrigued by the idea and wondered why no one had developed a pan to create these crispy gems. Voila! No more pesky muffin stumps.

I was always the kid who ate the crust first and then enjoyed the cheesy pizza topping. At birthday parties, I carefully removed the cake frosting to be savored after that bothersome cake was consumed. I faintly remember sitting by the pool, gnawing the chocolate coating off 3 Musketeers candy bar; there was something delectable about uncovering the fluffy inner log, which- by that time - was completely gooey and half-melted in the sweltering summer sun. I even disassembled my Happy Meal cheeseburgers, eating the buns first and then carefully nibbling the bald brown burger. I no longer dissect my pizza or dismember my burgers, but I do think my fascination with the Brownie Edge Pan and the Muffin Top Maker might be a result of my childhood eating quirks. I must confess that, to this day, I still save the frosting for last when I eat cake. I was thinking about developing a product that would eliminate the cake portion, leaving only the creamy coating. But then I remembered it's already been invented. Anyone want to grab a spoon and join me?

As Seen on TV....Where the Gravy's Always Warm

If you've never been on the As Seen on TV site, you really owe it to yourself to take a gander. Aside from the soon-to-be-legendary Snuggie, a treasure trove of "why didn't I think of that" products await customers just like you and me, who are standing by with their credit card in hand, salivating at the prospect of purchasing a gravy warmer for $24.95.

Gravy warmer.....seriously??? Who eats enough gravy to justify paying $8.99 in shipping? Maybe these folks keep the gravy warmer on all day, like a tea kettle. Lunch time? I think I'll drizzle a little gravy on my bologna sandwich. Friends over for an afternoon game of Canasta? Nothing says "I'm glad we're friends" like a heaping bowl of Brazil nuts floating in a sea of piping hot meat-flavored ambrosia. And dinner time? Thank goodness the gravy's still warm! Everyone knows that nothing gives tacos that extra artery-clogging kick that keeps the kids coming back for more.

So if 24-7 access to savory sauce glazing your gullet sounds gratifying, call now!! Don't miss the boat....the gravy boat, that is....

Snuggie vs. Slanket - The Blanket of Truth

By now everyone in the free world is acquainted with the cushy magic of the Snuggie, "the blanket with sleeves," that has become the must-have for the practical couch potato who fancies himself a fleecy fashionista. What's not to like? Imagine yourself wrapped in warmth from head to toe, while enjoying the freedom of eating a bowl of popcorn, reading the latest US Weekly, or updating your Facebook status (Angie is... enjoying the blankie of love that is her Snuggie). In a country where competition is king, certainly the Snuggie couldn't blanket the entire market on common-sense coziness. Enter the Slanket, QVC's answer to staying toasty while easily reaching for the remote to enjoy a little home shopping. The Snuggie and the Slanket are basically the same genius design; however, while examining the commercials for both, I noticed one major difference. It seemed like the people bundled in the Snuggie were much happier - they smiled, laughed, played backgammon, went to football games, and toasted marshmallows. I felt happy after viewing the Snuggie commercial and wanted the rosy-cheeked little Snuggie-girl to pass me a s'more. The folks in the Slanket commercial were another story althogether - the commercial looked more like an ad for Cymbalta. The Slanket hung from their lifeless limbs as they did nothing much more than scowl, sleep, drink alcohol, and sit hunched over a computer. These people looked miserable! Does the Slanket have itchy tags? Is it made from a blend of cotton, polyester, and suicidal sheep's wool? Plus, who can smile wearing something called "Slanket?" Really. It's a good thing the Slanket has sleeves so they have easy access to their Oxycodone and gin. See for yourself.

First up, the shiny happy Snuggie-people:


For your consideration, the sad-sack Slanket slackers:


After watching the last commercial, QVC can't offer me enough free, creepy Marie Osmond dolls to buy into the head-to-toe blanket of bleakness that is the Slanket. Now pass me that s'more!